Courage, the cowardly dog. October 15, 2009
Posted by J R in My thoughts; my say..4 comments
I’m in the mood to blog today! I figured I should add more personal touch to this space here so those who’re interested can know what’s really going on in my life instead of generic updates I’m so fond to do because of this special interest of mine to create clouds of mystery about myself… Anyhow we’ll see how it goes for it might not turn out to be as good cuz I’m still not very used to such a style… Alright so the reason why I feel this compelling urge to blog today is because I’m really satisfied with my performance today, socially or otherwise, and I feel this exceptional need to note it down so I can use this to tell myself that I’ve done it today, and I hope I can use the exceptional courage I’ve found today to tackle future challenges ahead.
Really, this may start to sound silly… Let’s see where I should start… Ok so yesterday ended with a pathetic class attendance of 4 good people. Don’t be surprised, yes, people have been disappearing from college, my class being the most apt at it and attendance has never hit above 5 good people for the past few days… It was that bad, to the extent I was told to just jot down names for those present instead of those absent for attendance taking… Those who’ve known me in the past would know I’m too much of a “rules” sort of person to be a part of that conspiracy… But really, you don’t know how much inconvenience them not turning up has brought me… so much of my yesterday was spent doing incessent spamming of their inboxes with impt information they have to know… And it doesn’t help to have an insensitive soul who doesn’t turn up, yet cheekily asking you about the attendance of the class daily, just to prove that his cause of not turning up is right because the majority didn’t… Nor does it help to have people who treat your impt msges like dirt by not replying. Even for a particular one who replied eventually, probably I was too naive to believe that he would live up to his promise to get things settled because this was essentially part of his responsibility. I think I did what I could by being kind enough to have even spared a thought for his feelings that I was careful not to tread over his area of responsibility… But if that responsibility lies so much in the sudden disappearance act today, I thought it would be nice if you’ve said so earlier…
So yesterday wasn’t good and I wasn’t expecting today to be any better. Considering a bad enough morning with the sudden change in venue of lessons by the admin that my tutor didn’t know about, and me not knowing she did not know about it, and me not realising that she did not know about it, and me not knowing she had dropped a missed call and sms asking where the class is on my phone that I only saw… 20 minutes later…
Courage #1 : Returned a call to her and told her where the class is…
So she came to class. Today, slightly more good people were present. But still it wasn’t good enough. So the first thing she opened her mouth was a disclaimer that what she is going to say next is not directed to the good people who came the day before… after which was !@#!!%$#%!%… Shockingly, somehow or another, that was when I kind of found out what was to be settled by the “invisible man” yesterday wasn’t settled. Still, I took all this lying down. Even when I felt so wronged today…
Courage #2: Took the initiative to clarify the chaotic morning change of venue and apologised to her…
Courage #3 #4 #5: Settled what the ”invisible man” ought to have done; decide on date and time for the class to come back for her lessons next week, decide on doing essay today in the afternoon, sustaining eye contact for at least 5 seconds, and talked more than 10 sentences in my liaison…
Courage #4: Requested to collect and submit surveys and cca records to her at a later time because her lesson has “eaten into” the next lesson I cannot afford to be late…
Had to play against 4 massive males for bball today…
Courage #5: Not deterred and scored a nice shot
Fast forward… Fast forward…
Courage #6 #7 : Asked questions for all the subject lessons I had today
Courage #8: Went in, and managed to, come out of the lecture theatre with MJ after asking for Econs question paper…
And… the highlight…
Guess what was waiting for me at home after a long day with all these tricky challenges posted to me which I felt I resolved pretty well…
BIG PLATE OF WANTON NOODLES WITH LOADS OF WANTONS FROM GEYLANG BAHRU AND SUGARCANE AND LOONG FATT TAU SAR PIAH FROM BALESTIER ROAD AND DURIANS =D
People come and go. July 25, 2009
Posted by J R in My thoughts; my say..add a comment
Remember that people come and go, and of all the people in your life, you are the only one who is there to stay. You are the one who can choose to love yourself, choose to respect yourself, and promise with all your heart and soul that you will never leave you.
Things aren’t looking up to the way I wanted them to be but I’m cautiously optimistic about the changes I can bring to improve things. Eyes have been pretty dry these days and haven’t been able to see very well at night lately… It’s eye drops to the rescue and time to look away from this screen to look at something green!
Protected: Newton and Appletree! July 13, 2009
Posted by J R in My thoughts; my say..Enter your password to view comments
长大要更懂事了 June 15, 2009
Posted by J R in My thoughts; my say..4 comments
昨晚父亲劝我早日就寝时不经意地唤起了我对奶奶的记忆。
在一般的嘘寒问暖之下，他说了那么两句
“长大要更懂事了，以前奶奶多么宠你。“
“现在没得和奶奶说话了。”
最后一句不是我第一次听到父亲那么说。可是随着时间的推移每每他重复这一句话所略带的感伤，总是告诉着我他还没释怀。
从霹雳州到这里的车程平均约6至8小时。小时候奶奶的到来总让我和哥哥满心欢喜。
她会带我们逛书局，掏出一罐罐装满1元新币的小罐子购买书籍给我们。
她说在家乡卖豆花水，上门的顾客若是以新币付现，她就将那一币币一元存进那小小的罐子。罐子装满后她才会过来探望我们。
奶奶做的豆花水是极品，可好喝了！
酷爱看书的兄妹都回高兴地搜寻他们的“战利品”去。
我总会骄傲满足地拿着我看中的书籍对着奶奶傻笑。
家里明明有多出的房间，奶奶却爱和兄妹挤在同一间房睡。她说她想多陪陪她的金孙们。
妙的是奶奶不爱睡在床上。母亲好言相劝地要她住得舒适，她却坚持要打着地铺睡。她说她一身硬骨头，爱躺在地铺上感受透过铺子从地上传来的阵阵凉意。
奶奶爱看电视。可是常常为了迁就我转台至我最爱的卡通片。她看到她爱看的戏剧就会要我在纸上写上剧名给她。她说这样她就能回家乡租这些她爱看却未能在这里把她看完的片子。小时候还不太识字，只能趁放广告前后有显示剧名的数秒空档死命地记下来。来不及写，就在纸上乱涂鸦，画个圆圈鸡蛋什么的。不知道奶奶最终有否租到她爱看的片子。。。
兄妹的房间有架电视机。
奶奶说人老了不需要太多的睡眠。往往她克制不住对看戏的渴望，凌晨会偷偷地开着兄妹房间那架电视来看。却又深怕吵醒他们，于是不开音量，打着黑暗坚持着她最爱的当儿也保护着她的最爱，像是在看默剧。
有那么一夜，很没睡像的哥哥从床上滚了下来，差点把我给压扁。幸亏在看电视的奶奶用尽她全身的力及时将他接住。老兄还处于熟睡状态。还真能睡！被惊动的我无知地揉一揉眼睛，无视四周，只看见电视是开着的，还播着自己最爱的卡通片。奶奶深夜偷偷看电视的秘密就此被我撞破，自己也跟着起哄要求奶奶看电视时一定要叫我起来一起看。为了让我能有充足的睡眠，她也索性不看了。可是有时按耐不住，某些夜我还是会感觉到电视的反光。可我稍微有动作，就感觉到奶奶急促地关起电视机，打着地铺睡她的觉。我也学着聪明了。醒来时抓到奶奶在看电视，就会继续装睡，潜意识下还会憋住呼吸，眯着眼希望能看到一些卡通片的画面，总好过什么都没有吧。
现在不少人都用“乖”这个字来形容我。其实小时候正好恰恰相反。
奶奶说我很皮。小时候哥哥较笨拙，不及我的聪明伶俐。我经常欺负哥哥害他吃了不少藤条。记得有一次爸妈都外出了。家里只有兄妹和奶奶。当时奶奶正看着电视，兄妹正玩着各自的玩具。小时候总觉得别人在吃的玩的都看起来比自己的有趣，尽管和别人拥有的东西是一样的。于是来了个豪取强夺，把哥哥的模型直升机给抢了过来。不中用的哥哥哭了起来。这时爸妈回来了。机灵的我马上放下手中的两个玩具。。。随即也。。。
跟着哭了起来，来个恶人先告状！听奶奶这么描述，觉得我也太有才了吧。。。可惜这不仅只有天知地知你知我知。奶奶知！可怜的哥哥哭得那么凄惨，她看不下去于是挺身而出说出实情。或许也担心”慈母多败儿“吧。可想而知我得到了什么样的下场。不过真觉得老娘打得好啊。。。因为记得小时候调皮的痛才会学乖！奶奶出卖我后跟她怄了一阵子的气。我也还真不识相，被教训完还不服气地又去招惹好像什么事都没发生，继续傻傻玩着模型直升机的哥哥。幸亏奶奶又哄又骗制止了我，不然我又要吃藤条了。
奶奶走得很突然。当时正处于中四会考时期。爸妈没有很明确的告诉我发生了什么事。我只记得一个月内我出国跑了两趟，坐着6至8小时的座驶到了医院。那时奶奶已没了知觉，毫无生命力地躺在病床上，只能听见她沉重的呼吸。会考前一二周，我又坐着6至8小时的座驶，到奶奶的家。奶奶这次真的走了。奶奶是在爷爷走的100天内离开的。他们说恩爱的夫妻才会如此。
又坐了6至8小时的座驶回国。父亲承受的打击很大。
我一如往常地回到校园考我该考的试，没向任何人提起这件事。
也许把事情憋在心里的本能是遗传的。。。瞬间我觉得父亲苍老了许多。
有太多太多的来不及。
想把它记下来，因为不想要对奶奶的记忆越来越模糊。
奶奶是个言谈不拘谨，豪迈的人。她会大笑。
她爱看电视。。。
她好久没来了。或许是罐子里的新币还没装满。
也许她在另一个边界正快乐地卖着豆花水，可是罐子里的新币永远装不满。。。
