Impoverished. May 27, 2012
Posted by J R in My thoughts; my say..add a comment
Just suddenly felt the urge to blog again.
It has been a retrospective period. Many times I’ve wanted to pen my thoughts down but I just can’t seem to find enough time or energy to do it. I’m finding it harder to express myself, even in words now. Just getting too used to the constant suppression of emotions. This has been a summer without much rest but I take delight in knowing that I’m hardcore enough to go through it.
PA wise, it’s making me miss student life. Many times, I just want to sprawl on bed and rest but after-work hours simply feel too short to be spent sleeping them away. So I’ve been packing my schedule with activities and meet ups. Many many meet ups…
Friends wise, I’m confused. For the new people I’ve met over the past 2 years, I’m really thankful. Let them not just be fleeting moments, but true ones that last a lifetime.
Sometimes I just need reminders to love myself, more.
I want a steamship next time! January 29, 2011
Posted by J R in My thoughts; my say..add a comment
Just got back home from a mini cny steamboat celebration with the old gang. Of a la carte spam, chocolate madness, strawberries overload, ice cream delight and crispy bacon prawns that kept disappearing magically into you-know-who’s stomach…
Life can be so simple and satisfying sometimes. And I discovered something more about myself – think I really like to surprise people.
Well, today also marks the unofficial end of the first week of school that has come and gone by so quickly, or not. This sem is going to start off a little differently, with a mod that deals almost entirely with speech and presentations, astronomy elective that could really cause me to see the stars, but which I find I am taking a liking to perhaps due to its broadness and intellectuality although it could prove to be challenging because it kind of feels like a combination of science, geography and history… or maybe I’m just excited about the “freshness” of it, abt something that is refreshingly different from the mods I’m currently pursuing… wow just realized my sentences can be really long.
Oh yeah and of course there is the somewhat important specialization talk held this week and the next. The one this week wasn’t as informative as I would have expected it to be and it didn’t seem like it’ll help me much to make meaningful choices come later part of the sem. The only thing I observed is how hyped up people get at the idea of money – prospectful salaries etc. It’s the popular “go where the grass is greener” mindset, go into lucrative fields if you can. Maybe “do what you love” kind of becomes secondary now, or rather people seek to find a wayward reasoning to reconcile that idea to make themselves feel better while making sure it sounds realistic – love the money because it’ll make your life much easier, and you might find yourself much happier, so do what will bring you good money, like it or not. Or maybe it’s because there’re no directions in life, so buy yourself some security, enter the field that possibly offers you the most financial rewards, at least you can assure yourself that you can earn sufficient bread and milk to tide you through the rest of your life, until the so-called direction comes and you decided to move on from there, or even if it doesn’t, you might just be happy and satisfied to live it the way it might be. Lucky you if you’re competent enough and money and your passion actually goes hand in hand.
I think I really need to start getting used to the solitude in school. Come next year, it’ll be almost certain that I’ll be taking a separate path from the old gang who is still with me. Accountants-to-be will move on to to be their accountants-to-be and I’ll be treading on my biz path with the forthcoming specialization machine that will further compel me to bid farewell to the remaining comrades I have. So perhaps this sem is a good start to prepare me for what may be coming, considering I am somewhat floating around in my classes already. On a brighter note, maybe this will open up more opportunities for me to meet new people (provided I open myself up first), and well at the very least, there are always dinner/supper opportunities with the old gang.
I don’t know if I’m feeling alone more than I should necessary feel. Silly me.
What a time to let my thoughts run again…
Sometimes you hear things that could make your heart sink a little. Maybe we all want to be indispensable, and on knowing we can’t be, we feel sad. But would you want anybody to be indispensable to you? If nobody is, maybe you wouldn’t feel sad over their loss. Then again, if we’re all detached from one another, where is the love?
What utter rubbish am I uttering again…
I can be simple if I want to. And I’m glad I can choose to make myself happy most of the other times other than this.
Now it’s time for rest.
Close my eyes and dream a little more. December 27, 2010
Posted by J R in My thoughts; my say..add a comment
So, exams are done and dusted. Took me a week to get back to this place, just to say it’s over… And then the holidays are here but it’s ironic that this short one month break is making me feel more tired than usual. Maybe it’s the adaptation process to the sudden onset of relief or whatever you would call that… just… having known you’re back safely to where you’re supposed to be and that the load that’s supposed to be weighing down on you is gone now.
Let’s see, so great plans have been laid for this short break. Not without messing up my bedtime when it’s considerably messed up enough. Hard not to do so when you find yourself slping even later and waking up earlier than usual. That wasn’t on purpose if I could help it… I don’t know if you could call that the “excitement” about the amount of things you can fit into this momentary buffer period you somewhat have control over.
Actually, most of my plans have been revolving around myself, and only myself. Books, food and rest, if you would call that rest. Must have looked like a silly way to spend my holidays alone. But I thought we all needed that quiet little space of our own to keep us sane. It’s confusing, to say the least, mixing with people too much.
Might have come as a surprise that while I might seem like the last person to initiate outings with friends (since I appear to have successfully hypnotised myself that I can still enjoy myself as much as I like alone), I do make considerable efforts planning outings with that lot I consider important to me. Yes, I’m aware the feeling doesn’t have to be mutual. Response isn’t very good sometimes, if there ever was a response. If you’re going to ask if I’m disappointed, I think I’ve not felt disappointed for a long time. Maybe I’ve been trying too hard not to let myself experience that sick feeling over and over again. Can’t help but wonder if I’m that bit annoying sometimes. I know everyone has their own things to see too and they are not obliged to give them up to come to my meetups. Not like I do meaningful stuffs all the time.
Well-aware that the amount of things one has to do catches up with one’s age, I can simply wash my hands off organizing such things, see to my own things, and while doing that, I would perhaps be doing a great service to others by giving them their own space back to see to their own things as well… But I try to remind myself not to do that. Try to remember those who really want to catchup with the rest but fall short of their promises because they’re too busy. Try to remember the successful attempts I’ve made and the amount of joy I derive from seeing the rest happy. Try to keep going with that.
It has been a pretty good day today roaming around the streets of Orchard with BW although there’re only the 2 of us. Coffee chat and movie, and just let time pass like that. Felt like things have slowed down a little for you and it’s an amazing feeling to find yourself not feeling rushed.
Anyhow, it has been a good week. I could do with something good for the eyes now though, a good run maybe and goodbye.
Thus far. November 6, 2010
Posted by J R in My thoughts; my say..1 comment so far
Perhaps I’ve been too idealistic. Thinking about what I could achieve after the end of 3 years. Trying to be a Saint again. Be a big boss and do good for society. Ethics. Can we actually learn ethics from writing a nice 2000 word essay about what should be the moral thing to do. Even that has a grey area. I was once cautioned that my personality isn’t exactly suitable for the course. This course is about presentations. Even that word sounds hypocritical to me. How you PRESENT yourself to others. It’s like a stock price and its intrinsic value. What you see on the stock exchange is only a perceived value by investors. Is the intrinsic value really more important than the perceived value when it comes to a person. Choosing this path was a bold step for me because I wanted to make changes. Positive changes, to myself, to the people around me, and to be a little more ambitious, to the world at large. Unfortunately, I find that this course is starting to distort my character. It is changing me even before I set out to change the things I want to change. And all I know is I better find a way out of this before I become a changed person totally, to somebody I do not and would not think I would want to become.
Behold the endless abyss. 